A Still Small Voice

My name is Joy Bennington and I'm starting this blog to be a blessing and inspire the hearts of those who stop by and read it.

There was a time when a still small voice spoke to me. I was a shy, emotional girl who was afraid to leave her mother's side. I was very impressionable and everyday situations, events and people affected me in ways that proably would not affect others. I had only two close friends as a child and I hung onto them fiercly. I was slow to trust others, however, when I did I trusted them with all my heart. In my heart, I was strongly convicted about what was right and wrong and I had no problem sharing that conviction with others. This conviction was brought forth by this still small voice that would speak to me and tell me "you shouldn't do that" or "what that person is doing is wrong". I trusted this voice. I relied on this voice. This voice comforted me. Encouraged me. Pushed me forward. I didn't always obey this voice, but it never left me. I've heard some people say that small voice was my conscience speaking, but, I know now, that still small voice was the voice of God.

I'm not sure when I stopped listening to that still small voice, but, I know the day when I stopped trusting it. We, my sister Amber, my mother and I, were on our way to clean a church. We helped my mother clean on the weekends. My mother began to cry and when we asked her what was wrong, she explained that our father had decided to leave and would not be living with us anymore. My family was never the same. Up until this point I had trusted this voice, I obeyed it, and relied on it for guidance and direction but, for the first time, I became really angry at it, hurt, and distrustful of it. Everything that I had been completely convicted in came crashing to the ground that day. As I pretended to not care, as I grew increasingly rebellious, and disobedient, the quieter the voice became until I just did not hear it anymore.

Over time, I met my husband and moved out of our broken home into a home with him. We married, worked hard, had a lot fun together, and after five years of marriage had our first child. We genuinely love each other, are best friends, and did everything together. On the outside, we were the picture perfect couple with a happy home and children. On the inside, I was a mess. I slowly cut myself off from my close friends and did not allow myself to make any new meaningful friendships. I did not finish college, was afraid of failing, and did not commit myself to anything besides what was absolutely necessary. I was angry and would have rages. We created a mountain of debt and developed a "we will pay it off later" attitude. I was trying so hard to control everything and every situation! I spiraled into a state of depression and developed panic and anxiety attacks. Still, on the outside, I made everything O.K. My husband knew the truth, but, coming from a disfuntional family himself, did the very best to keep things O.K.

I believe I still heard that still small voice sometimes. And, sometimes, I would listen to its advice, with certain terms and conditions of course. I could not let anything out of my control. Then, one day, I found myself in a dark room. I had no hope for the future, no vision, and no light. I was ready to give up on myself, my husband, my marriage, and my children. That's where He found me and I cried out for help.

The process was slow and difficult at times, but, He is patient and showed me that He would not leave me. In fact, he had been with me all along. I can see that now. His hand of grace was always on me. He taught me love, forgiveness, healing, restoration, and how to trust again. He gave me hope and showed me that He had a plan and purpose for my life. He restored my marriage and healed relationships. He is delivering us from debt and showing us how to live a debt free life. I have been freed from depression and no longer have panic and anxiety attacks. I have peace that surpasses all understanding. I confidently place all my worries in His hands trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.

I hear His voice every day now. In it I confidently trust and rely. It urges me forward, encourages my heart, lifts me up when I am down, and is always there for me. Sometimes I feel like a still small voice. I look at the hopeless faces that walk by and see myself in them. I see anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. I see recklessness and lives being destroyed. Yet, that still small voice is telling me that that same hope that was in me is in them. It is my prayer that I will be a blessing to whoever finds me and my prayer that they will discover the still small voice inside themselves.